The 2024 Olympic Games are almost done and dusted.
Along with the traditional swimming, track and field, cycling, and gymnastics – just to name a few – The Games have expanded to include new-age sports like speed rock climbing, skating, and breakdancing.
Cars remain conspicuous by their absence, though.
Which got us wondering: which nation would top the medal tally if the Olympics were a celebration of automotive performance instead of the peak for human sporting achievement?
In other words, this is actually quite a tough thing to work out. Here’s how our team went about it.
Scott Collie: Germany
This is an obvious one, but it’s hard to see the might of the German automotive industry being beaten.
There’s a romance to the idea of an Italian team; a Ferrari-Lamborghini-Pagani-Alfa Romeo athletics relay team would be tough to beat, while the Maserati GranTurismo strikes me as a natural marathon competitor as a quick grand tourer.
Throw in the Fiat 500 as a gymnastics entrant, and you’ve some bases covered. But stereotypes are hard to shake, and it feels cruel to subject Italian cars to the Olympic pool lest they pick up a rust-related injury.
The idea of Team USA crossed my mind, and they would be able to enter most events. But the might of the German industry was just too strong to avoid.
Porsche makes the world’s best track cars, so that’s the athletics covered.
Volkswagen and Mercedes-Benz have strong commercial vehicle arms to take on the grunt-based field events, and I can’t think of many faster or more comfortable ways to complete a marathon than in an S-Class.
The reborn electric Kombi would take gold in any event judged by surfers, and golf is an Olympic sport. I’d enter the Volkswagen Po… just kidding, you know which car is competing there.
If you believe in nominative determinism, the Volkswagen up! has a good chance in high jump as well. Give them the gold already.
Josh Nevett: Great Britain
It’s never fun acknowledging the prowess of Australia’s sporting enemy, but I’ve been left with no choice.
Nothing comes close to matching the Land Rover Discovery in the pool, with its 900mm wading depth. After all, it’s tough to win a race if you can’t swim. Something tells me the Defender would be right at home in the beach volleyball arena, too.
Track and field? Lotus, Aston Martin and McLaren should have that covered.
Rowing is all about quiet, smooth speed… and no manufacturers do that better than Rolls-Royce and Bentley.
Tyra Lawler-Cass: Germany
We can’t overlook the Germans. With their need for speed, precision and accuracy, they would dominate almost every sport – mostly on land, that is.
Excelling in athletics wouldn’t be difficult for the Porsche 911, known for its speed and excellent handling. Volkswagen would surely excel in long-distance running or power walking with its reliability and endurance; just put it in sports mode for the 100m final.
And don’t forget about the Mercedes-Benz AMG One, a show-stopper that could rival its Porsche teammate.
BMW would ace sports like archery and shooting, delivering precision and pace. Throw in Audi’s quattro all-wheel drive for the mountain biking, and you’re onto a winner.
James Wong: China
Much like the people’s Olympics, China has the scale and breadth of talent to give it the best chances of dominating the Automotive Olympics.
There’s plenty of emerging talent across a multitude of categories, at both ends of the spectrum.
BYD’s affordable EVs could easily win a long-distance marathon, while the Nio EP9 up until only recently held the electric car Nurburgring lap record.
China could also be represented by an increasing number of expats, given an increasing number of major brands are turning to Chinese vehicle production.
The benchmark Tesla Model 3 and Model Y come to mind as excellent entrants in the automotive decathlon, while the new Volvo EX90 is so practical it would be the perfect candidate for automotive weightlifting (or weight bearing)…
Max Davies: Japan
Sure, it’s easy to see the Germans as a formidable foe at the automotive Olympics, but I just don’t think they’d have the versatility needed to bring home the bacon.
As such, Japan is my pick. They’re relatively understated with their lack of super-fast flashy supercars and general no-fuss approach, but just think of the sheer variety of events at which they’d excel.
You have the heavyweight titans like the Toyota LandCruiser Prado and Nissan Patrol, which would crush the competition in events like car boxing and weightlifting. Competing in the same events would be the HiLux and the standard LandCruiser too, which would impress in their own weight classes.
Sticking with Toyota for a moment brings the marathon and endurance events, at which it’d dominate with its 1100km-plus hybrid systems and well-tuned highway cruising tech.
Let’s send Toyota to compete in swimming and triathlon while we’re at it. I invite you to cast your mind back to Jeremy Clarkson’s second-edition amphibious Toyota pickup that successfully crossed the English Channel for proof of the potential.
You’d get your track speed from the likes of the Nissan GT-R and Toyota Supra, and while they won’t be the fastest, they’ll achieve more than enough to keep that medal tally rolling.
As for niche events like sport climbing or BMX, Subaru’s all-wheel drive grip would surely put the rest to shame.
Paul Maric: Australia
Now wait a second, hear me out here. I know the Commodore and Falcon have been dead for a while now, but Australia takes out gold by virtue of the Ford Ranger.
It’s designed and engineered here in Australia and sold in over 130 markets globally. It’s the best-selling vehicle in Australia and best-selling dual-cab in a number of other markets.
It’s also one of the hardest vehicles to do well – creating a vehicle that’s capable of load hauling, passenger hauling, off-roading and in the case of the Raptor, endurance driving is very hard to do.
So that’s why Australia takes this one out.
Jordan Mulach: Japan
Just as Australia has leaned on the Fox sisters for gold in Paris, you could probably look to Toyota’s lineup to single-handedly earn Japan bragging rights as the medal winner at an automotive Olympics.
Track and field? Hello GR Supra, Corolla and Yaris.
Weightlifting? 300 Series LandCruiser enters the chat.
Triathlon? How could you look past the Camry Hybrid to deliver in all conditions?
But looking at other carmakers, Honda could easily find itself vying for the title as the nation’s track star with the Civic Type R, Mazda’s MX-5 is one hell of a gymnast and the Nissan GT-R would dominate the 100m sprint.
If you include all the Thai-built utes from Japanese brands, they’d put up a formidable challenge to the Ford Ranger.
William Stopford: Japan
If you want a true breadth of abilities and talents, you need look no further than Japan.
What other country offers big tough trucks (Toyota Tundra), burly off-roaders (Toyota LandCruiser and Nissan Patrol), agile sports cars (Mazda MX-5, Toyota GR86, Subaru BRZ), and hot hatches (Honda Civic Type R, Toyota GR Yaris and GR Corolla)?
There’s even arguably a supercar (the Nissan GT-R, for now).
All those would help it rack up medals in sports involving feats of strength and bursts of speed, and it’s this combination of abilities that would make it an even bigger threat than Germany.
